The Champion Procrastinator

O Livejournal, I have not forgotten you

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:41:58 GMT

Looking back on this is bizarre because, as much as I have changed since senior year, in that I like to think I'm far less petty and superficial, and my music taste is certainly more snobby and less emo (twee pop and post-hardcore), and i've certainly had experiences far more significant than getting behind on my homework or not having the perfect birthday party, it's interesting to see just how many of the unhealthy/immature patterns documented here I have fallen back into in college.

Life is different now. I have different friends, a different relationship with my family, a very different sense of myself and my life goals. Still, I do often wander back into the self reflected here. The self who is cynical. The self who is unapologetically self-indulgent. The self who'd rather read and write about saving the world than actually go out and save it.

And so in college I am faced with the eternal question of Art vs. Science, even though the Science, in my case, would clearly be Social. Should I major in english and make myself write. Hone a craft I always imagined was mine but never followed through on? Should I major in Hist and Lit and really pursue India. Become proficient in the languages of the subcontinent so that I may become a scholar of that part of the world? Or should I major in a social science, keeping language on the periphery, and studying comparative government, and that dreaded thing, economics! Will I ever let go of my childish fantasies of becoming a traveling Peter Pan with better cultural navigation tools, or even better, a CIA agent? Which aspirations are practical? Or can I, as an artistic minded person, really afford to stray from the practical and still fullfill petty but unbanishable desires?

Not a total bust...but still

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 00:43:19 GMT

I've been getting into such a rhythm of working, going to work out, coming home, watching tv and going to bed that I haven't really had time to actually make my life happen at all this summer. It's weird. I still don't have my driver's license, which is so ridiculous, because I'm fucking 18 years old and totally immobilized and dependent on other people and getting SOOO sick of the mbta where I swear you have to be either a) completely insane or b) reading a book to be admitted on to the train (if I managed to remember my book once in a while, I guess it wouldn't seem so bad). Last week seemed like it was a hundred years long, but this week flew. I haven't listened to music or read an actual book (besides Harry Potter) in way too long. I thought I was done with livejournal, and ready to leave high school and all the tumults of senior year behind, but somehow tonight I was just in a livejournaling mood. In case you didn't hear it through the perennial BB&N/Alumni grapevine, my college plans have changed as well. I just feel like I'm teetering on the edge of something, and I can't tell if it's social oblivion or a potential relationship, but I can definitely feel the awkwardness all day long. Being stranded at home for the weekend alone without a car isn't exactly a treat either. Despite this long and rambling complaint, I think I can actually say that I'm not completely unhappy with the way that this summer has turned out, it's just that "satisfied" and "complacent" weren't really what I was going for.
Anyways, tomorrow Ellen and I have a stencil date and I am SO psyched to make cool vintage-looking painted t-shirts and sweatshirts. Ta-ta for now.

P.S. If you happen upon this, even if we don't really talk, drop me a hello! It's been a little bit of a lonely week, and I was kind of just wondering who else was out there.

CONCERT

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 19:15:38 GMT

Anyone want to go see Ted Leo and The Pharmacists at the Somerville Theatre tomorrow night?

I thought I was done with livejournal, BUT this one I like

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 08:05:22 GMT

Who am I?

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Sun, 29 May 2005 19:53:38 GMT

It's been four years since it last happened, but it seems as if no time has passed at all. Once again, you see, all of the servants of that eight-story castle (along with, of course, The King and Queen) have turned their attention towards catering to their treasured princess on the occasion of her graduation from the most wonderful university in all the land. Has she grown up? No. Does she know what she is going to do with her life? Absolutely not, but none of that matters on this magical day. The tables are set, and the candles are lit. Will Princess finally be satisfied? Will she finally be ready to leave the perfect bubble of this little kingdom to face the harsh realities of the wider world? Tune in next time.

Thu, 26 May 2005 02:31:56 GMT

Shit. Sorry I'm such a brat.

Tue, 24 May 2005 02:03:57 GMT

On the first day, he saved a president. On the second, a city.
On the third day, he saved a nation. On the fourth, the world.
But if you think you know what he's doing next, you don't know Jack!

Fri, 20 May 2005 04:05:56 GMT

The Senior Shows were great. I was surprised, impressed, and thoroughly entertained. Well done.

A Concert, A Car Accident, and plenty of instability

Tue, 17 May 2005 04:30:40 GMT

Everything is just so...awkward right now. I don't really know what to do.
Ben Folds (or what we saw of him after the long debacle that was mostly my fault but really not completely because I can't be expected to organize everything and know everything about parking in Boston and be "the responsible one" when I am the LEAST responsible person ever) was AMAZING. We got there in time to see him sing Brick, and Army, and Landed, and the sick-B-side Dr. Dre cover and a bunch of other songs that I knew vaguely but couldn't pin with a title. We couldn't really see, but that's not what concerts are about anyway, and I really enjoyed it. We saw Reid and Lucas and Reid's girlfriend there too...very briefly though, as they were smart enough to park in a sensible place. Driving home was shocking and horrible and I didn't know what to say to Emma because I couldn't tell her to calm down because she had every reason to be freaking out of her mind. I don't know if we did something wrong or if we should have waited longer or called the police but REALLY what is the appropriate protocol for action when a drunken man darts out of nowhere and runs (on his feet) into the side of your car? He said he was ok and that it wasn't our fault and he got up and walked away and everyone on the side of the road kept saying that it wasn't our fault but still it scared the shit out of me.
All of the above isn't really the source of the aforementioned awkwardness. In fact, I can't really describe where it came from, all I can say is that it seems to be taking over my life right now. I feel like I should be either mourning or celebrating. The end of high school is supposed to rouse great emotion from the depths of our souls. In books and movies, graduation means love and pain, gratification and redemption, the realization of all our dreams and a preview to a future of great hope and opportunity. I'm not feeling any of those things. Instead I feel empty and numb and awkward, not afraid of what's ahead but apprehensive, unaware. I just want to push the pause button and think of a way I can make these last two weeks meaningful. I don't want to regret just going through the motions and letting them fly by. Nothing ever lives up to my expectations, so I'm trying not to have any. I just don't know if I can function that way.

Fri, 13 May 2005 03:27:49 GMT

On Wednesday, I had one final symptom of Kargman high school insanity.

That book is now officially closed.

There is at least a 99.4% chance that I will be named "most likely to be late."

I guess High School was fun.

Who wants to join community boating with me and go sail our days away?

I'm working with Bea this summer. I don't know if it's going to be super-awk or not.

Dammit...I tried to rig it, and this isn't the answer I wanted!

Wed, 11 May 2005 04:24:41 GMT

Emo Kid
You are 42% Rational, 42% Extroverted, 28% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You are a push-over, emotional, gentle to the extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even makes Jesus puke. If you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy lines about depression, sadness, and other such redundant states of emo-being. Your personality is defective because you are too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself, decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a bit too inhibited.

I probably made you cry, didn't I? Fucking Emo Kid.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Smartass.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hippie, the Televangelist, and the Starving Artist.

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 32% on Rationality

You scored higher than 38% on Extroversion

You scored higher than 23% on Brutality

You scored higher than 47% on Arrogance

Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on Ok Cupid

I REALLY DOUBT I'D "GET ALONG" WITH A TELEVANGELIST!

Uh-Oh

Tue, 10 May 2005 02:05:45 GMT

Anyone have a burning desire to teach me everything there is to know about United States Government and Politics before 8:00 am on Wednesday?

A Summer Chock-Full of Concerts (If I can go)

Mon, 09 May 2005 05:54:35 GMT

5/14/05: Ben Folds Five
5/20/05: Bright Eyes and The Faint
5/22/05: Rilo Kiley and Nada Surf
5/23/05: Hot Hot Heat
5/25/05: The Decemberists
6/1/05: The Exies
6/7/05: WFNX BEST MUSIC POLL featuring Interpol, The Killers, Louiz XIV, Robbers on High Street
also 6/7/05: Landsdowne Street Block Party featuring DRESDEN DOLLS, KAISER CHIEFS, THE RAVEONETTES, AUTOLUX, THE FUTUREHEADS, DEAR LEADER, SAGE FRANCIS, LOST CITY ANGELS, THE UNSEEN
6/24/05: Oasis @ tweeter center AND Wilco @ B.U. (i'm going to wilco if at all possible)
7/2/05: Zooma Tour: Ben Harper, Trey Anastasio, The Black Keys, and many more
7/7/05: John Mellencamp
8/20/05: Allman Brothers Band
8/26/05: Steve Miller Band

*Colplay sold out in 15 minutes. Now the $20 tickets are being sold for $450, $315, $285, but how do they distinguish between the 285 dollar seats and the 450 dollar seats when THERE ARE NO SEATS?

Sat, 07 May 2005 03:50:04 GMT

I saw Hotel Rwanda tonight and it really pissed me off. Don't get me wrong, it was a beautiful movie, and I cried through most of it, but how can it be, that, ten years after such a terrible tragedy, when a movie is created to make us cry and scream and understand, we can still just sit by and let almost the exact same thing happen again. Darfur is genocide, I don't care what those UN investigators say, "extreme widespread killing" is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. And yet, what can we do? If we intervene, we become "the imperial west" an international police force that was never sanctioned by the rest of the world. Does a government that gives children UZIs so that they can kill other children (i.e. Sudan) really deserve national sovereignty? Should the other small African nations that it gives weapons and important trade to be able to defend that sovereignty? The setup of the United Nations makes me sick. Everything is underhanded, and there is more red tape and bureaucratic bullshit than actual progress. So what are the rest of us supposed to do? Give money to the Red Cross even though the supplies that the money funds might not get to the people who need them for months or even years? Stand around and watch the news and say "oh, that's terrible," and then return to our dinners? Write letters to our congressmen who already agree with us but whose hands are tied in terms of taking any kind of action? The world sucks, and, since I am not currently able to deal with it, I think I'll end my tirade and go to bed.

An Update, Finally (Y Feliz Cinco De Mayo)

Fri, 06 May 2005 05:05:28 GMT

I haven't quite decided whether or not I am going to continue livejournaling now that my life has returned to some semblance of sanity. Yes, I wrote some pretty dark shit this winter, but I think it was definitely therapeutic, ALWAYS written late at night, and, sometimes perhaps even insightful. Lately, with senior project simply chugging along and my general emotions and day to day life doing not too much else, I feel like my writing has become even more boring, ditzy, and plain old uninteresting.

Today was actually quite good. Thursdays are usually busy, but not having Italian (because Mr. Giordano is SUCH a wonderful teacher!??!) gave me a little bit more free time. I promised some freshman girl whose name I don't know and who certainly doesn't know my name my treasured concert tickets and then immediately regretted it. (Everyone's freaking out, like "oh my god, you have tickets," but the concert isn't even sold out yet!)The day lagged when I sat around for an hour and a half at lax practice (part of my deal with Ms. Dow to keep lacrosse as a major component of my senior project even after I found out from those genius cardiologists that I couldn't play...biggest mistake of my life!) But the impromptu Cinco de Mayo party that occurred when my sister showed up with a bottle of [CENSORED FOR EDBROOKE ADVISOR GROUP SNOOPING] made up for it.

So far, my tentative year-off plan is as follows:

June-August: Work at home, teaching sailing at courageous and hopefully another job on the side. Take a 7-day sojourn with S.D. to visit Kati in Prague.

September-December: Group Program: EITHER teaching English and living with a family in a village in Ghana or Kenya OR traveling/learning about buddhism, culture and language in Sikkim and Tibet.

December: Home briefly for the holidays. Trip to Buenos Aires to pick up the sis, then family vacay to Patagonia and Tierra Del Fuego.

January-March: 6-week Art History program in Venice, specifically designed for students in their gap year.

March-June: Internship in NEW ZEALAND baby, teaching at a Maori school.

wooohoooo

Hi!

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 04:43:10 GMT

I just noticed that my journal entries have been quite boring and self-centered and a little bit pretentious lately. I won't promise that this one will be different.

Erik Johnson, why the hell did you friend me if you and Jack think I am a psycho weirdo for not telling you that I had a livejournal? Don't think I haven't noticed that you guys stopped talking to me (although I think Jack got pissed because I teased him about his mystery girlfriend).

I have chosen my college. It is in Middletown, CT. Way too many BB&N kids go to school there. That is okay because next year I am going to India.

I am obsessed with the (fairly new) New Order CD. I am sad I missed the Saves The Day Concert. I fear I am going to the Bright Eyes/The Faint concert all by myself, that is if I can somehow sneak out of my lacrosse duties for a day. As for that other BB&N event, I am in the same boat as the rest of the world.

Auf Wiedersehen!

I was just wondering?

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 03:31:13 GMT

(Anonymous)
2005-04-14 04:23 (from 152.163.100.66) (
Don't regret being cynical, it is a trait that suits you well and is almost a part of you. And while you may think friendships are vital to happiness, what about relationsips that are not friendships? Acquaintances per say?

WHO SAID THIS?

BOOKS

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 19:42:46 GMT

The Last Samurai is amazing, astonishing, challenging, heart-warming, frustrating and interesting. It is easily the best modern novel that I have read in a very long time, if not ever. It stirs in me an insatiable hunger for new knowledge, and my mind is now filled with fantasies about the ways that I will teach myself greek and japanese, and learn how to play the piano, and learn how to gamble, and of course become a travel writer which is my life's ambition anyway. All that said, I think there is something intrinsically superficial about the way my mind and my emotions are stimulated. Even in philosophy class, reading things like Nietzche and Hegel and Aristotle and Plato, I am most attracted to, and most convinced by, the arguments that lay out appealing examples. If a philosopher's writing style is roundabout and hard to follow I am afraid I get bored quite easily. If there is something within the text that I can immediately identify with, however, the opposite becomes true. Should I feel guilty that I am influenced to read new books or listen to new music or find out new things mostly based on my opinions of the people who reccomend them to me? Despite my insistince and deepest hopes that I am, on some level, a deeply introspective and rational and creative person, more often than not I fear this is not at all the case.

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 06:51:34 GMT

Shit. I am afraid that I am wasting my senior project. The things that I am doing are incredibly cool, but I haven't been able to give them adequate attention because this college decision thing is TEARING ME APART. I'm afraid I am going to have to pull a Nick Cox and break it down right here.

NYU is cool and cosmopolitan. Gallatin provides the exposure to professors and the extra attention that the larger university doesn't, and yet you are still a member of a student body composed of 18,000 people. Everything that New York City has to offer is readily available, and opportunities to see in action everything that I am studying. I think that NYU will make me an activist, will awaken the parts of me that want everyday to get up and DO SOMETHING, whether it is related to some internship with a big NGO in the UN building or a large protest with fellow students. It would provide exposure to real life events in their least glossed-over form, and unparalleled opportunities for hands-on learning, and for developing an incredible sense of independence and self-reliance.

I think that going to Wesleyan would make me a scholar. I know that this description does not fit everyone at that school, but I feel like it would be a convenient pigeonhole for me to fall into. I certainly have not worked as hard in high school as I could have or should have. If I go to a small college in the middle of nowhere with great professors and engaged students with excellent programs in writing, literature, film, philosophy, and languages, I will force myself to work as hard as I can to take advantage of those things. I think that I will have much more of a "typical college experience." While I won't be the kind of person whose main goal is to drink my way through to graduation, Wes seems to have an active weekend social scene focused around frats and house parties and special events like the "Queer Prom" and "Bar Mitzvah Party." I will most definitely take a year abroad, at this point probably in Madrid, or, if somehow my spanish becomes amazing, at the University of Salamanca.

I guess what this comes down to is that I have no idea which choice is right for me. Everyone asks me "what does your heart say," but the fact is that right now my heart isn't saying anything, and my head is spinning way too fast. The only almost-certainty in my college decision making process is that I am going to take a year off. I am going to learn Hindi and study Buddhism in northern India, or teach English in a village in Kenya, or work as an artist's assistant in Spain or Mexico, or hike in New Zealand, or surf in Costa Rica, all the while writing and reading and toting the classics along with me on my journeys to make up for all the knowledge I've missed out on.

P.S. To all you Staveley book clubbers out there, do Sybilla and Ludo induce in you an intense inferiority complex? I mean, minus their obsessive compulsive disorders and their slight propensities for telling somewhat pathological lies that destroy the lives of all those would-be-fathers and their complete lack of social grace, they are really quite ideal.

Four more years? A Chronicle of Suzie Super-Prep in Hippieland

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:50:11 GMT

This weekend at Wes some girl called me "Suzie Super-Prep," which I found far more hilarious than insulting. It may be an accurate description of the way I dress, but it doesn't really cover anything else.

I had fun, and all of the kids I met who were already in college were really cool, but there was this weird vibe among all the prefrosh that I didn't really like. It seems like, even in the crazy-liberal-hippie world of Middletown, CT, everyone was forming opinions of each other based on reading the RIGHT books and listening to the RIGHT music.

There was this one girl who told me that if she didn't reread a book by Dave Eggers or Chuck Palahniuk at least once a month she would never survive, and I thought that was kind of extreme. I'm not so into reading in order to be a "scenester." Someone else was definitely giving me the cold shoulder until she found out that I was going to a Ben Folds concert in a month, and then suddenly I was cool. Maybe it was just nervousness, but it was something that I really disliked.

The professors and classes and campus and general vibe were amazing, but there was definitely this presence of a BB&N-like antagonism between different kinds of people that turned me off. The preppy athletes were like "I love this school, but there are too many hippies," and the extreme hippies were like "Athletes are dumb, and preppy kids only got in here because of their parents." Most people seemed somewhere in between, but the resentment that was present was almost more visible than the majority's appreciation of each other's differences.

Also, by some strange coincidence, the Jewish Geography was on turbocharge while I was there. Everyone seemed to be a member of the tribes, and the "I know someone that you know" connections were CRAZY.

Anyways, I guess I had a good time, and some big decisions lay ahead. Sorry if this entry was long and boring.

On a sidenote, how the hell did I not find out until just now that Bright Eyes and The Faint are playing in Providence on May 20th? I NEED to go.

Interesting

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 03:56:23 GMT

KIMBERLY
K	is for	Keen
I	is for	Innocent
M	is for	Magnificent
B	is for	Bright
E	is for	Energetic
R	is for	Refined
L	is for	Lovesick
Y	is for	Young

What Does Your Name Mean?

And So...

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 04:14:20 GMT

My Computer Has: 1007 songs (it's still recovering from the day limewire decided to beat it up)

The Last CD I bought was: Elevator, Hot Hot Heat (I know, a little cliche)

Right Now I Am Listening To: Me and Mia, by Ted Leo and The Pharmacists

I Cannot Get These Five Songs Out of My Head:(In No Particular Order)
1. New Order- Krafty
2. Bright Eyes- The Calendar Hung Itself
3. Daddy Yankee- Lo Que Paso Paso
4. O-Zone- Dragostea Din Tei
5. The Faint- Call Call

Uh-OH

Fri, 08 Apr 2005 01:37:23 GMT

I have a sneaking feeling that...

My sappy Bullshit is going to be read aloud in Mr. Edbrooke's advisor group...

Tomorrow!

Thank you,

Erik Johnson,

Have fun making fun of me (if you dare)

(no subject)

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 05:43:11 GMT

Hello.

I don't know what to say, but I felt compelled to write an entry anyway.

Senior project is weird.

I'm doing nothing and doing everything, going everywhere and nowhere.

Friendship is very valuable to me, but I also place tremendous value on those relationships that aren't quite friendships.

I'm quite intrigued by the idea of "where do we go from here"

New Perspectives

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 03:28:49 GMT

Reading over this journal, I realize that I, too, have changed a lot this year. Even though the year probably contained some of the worst moments of my life, I think it also contained some of the very best. Through this strange medium I have ranted and raved, trashed others and trashed myself, and yet, despite some of the horrible things that I've said, my only regret is that I should have been less cynical. Maybe if I had given myself and others more of a chance, I would have realized much earlier (and I don't care how cheesy this sounds) that friendships are far more vital to happiness and sanity than I ever gave them credit for, and that loneliness is not an artistic or romantic way of life, but merely an uncomfortable one. Back in November, I chose four words to describe the processes I thought this journal would document, and, after all my triumphs, breakdowns, transitions and transformations, it finally seems appropriate.